Transformative Mindfulness Methods - shifting life's challenges at the heart

Who makes you happy?

by Dekyi Lee OldershawWhat makes you happy? There are so many different ways you, your friends and family may choose to find happiness. But the goal is the same: We all want to be happy.

I would like to introduce Learning by Example, a community campaign that celebrates the inner qualities that help us enjoy a happy life. We have tried to identify these in 16 Guidelines For Life. You probably excel in a couple of them, perhaps more.

One individual who excels in the qualities that lead to happiness is the Dalai Lama. But his society was once rife with conflict.  

It was not until the 6th century that King Songsten Gampo helped all Tibetan society make a radical shift from violence to peace. The 16 Guidelines For Life are based on the inspirational values and principles he introduced to his people.

Now is a time when the same principles could help our society, when the world seems confused about what really leads to inner happiness and benefits those around us. These can help you and the people you love. Maybe even people in your life who you don’t really care about or even avoid.

We will introduce each of these qualities during the next 16 weeks, starting with qualities that strongly influence how we think. Our minds are powerful: if we change our minds, we can change our experience of the world.  

The challenge: As we introduce the guidelines, one each week, we ask you to look for people in your everyday life who exemplify that specific quality in a way that leads to happiness for those around them. Look for individuals in your neighbourhood, home, work, community centre, church or any where you witness a person who lives that quality.

Then we invite you to nominate them for recognition, sending us their story and what they do that generates happiness using that quality.

Post your stories in the comments sections after each guideline so that we can celebrate their contributions to a happy society. The more we embrace the brothers and sisters who are our local heros, the more we are inspired to make our own lives meaningful and our community a happy place to be with each other.

To make an contribution to this project, click the comment link below

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, 2008 Halton Women of the Year and former director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom, is co-author of the book, 16 Guidelines For Life, a practical and simple tool for making life better. You can order the book.

Our minds are powerful. Everything we say and do arises from our thoughts. So if you can change your thoughts, your experience of the world becomes happier.

The first of the16 Guidelines For Life, Humility, offers you a sense of freedom. Being open to listen, learn and understand offers you ways to know what to say or do that will help someone or at least not harm them.

Watch video segment

Patricia Taylor of Hamilton says, “Humility is knowing that I know nothing and come to everything like a blank slate ready to receive.”

Deborah Klassen of Burlington says, “The way we treat others and see the beauty within each person shows humility.” 

“If you have humility,” says Dave Gould of Hamilton, “you don’t seek praise and are not disappointed if you are not praised. It comes from inner strength. It allows you to think that you are no better than anyone else.” 

“Being able to feel for someone else.“ is how Susan Tesluk of Dundas explains humility.

Try this: When people speak to you, do you sometimes continue what you are doing, treating them as if they were not important enough to have your full attention? Next time someone speaks to you, stop what you are doing, make eye contact, listen carefully and note one new thing that you have learned.

Challenge: We invite you to nominate someone in your daily life who exemplifies and practices humility.

You can attend courses on 16 Guidelines for Life at The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington. Or visit the international site for 16 Guidelines.

By Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw 

Patience, the second of the 16 Guidelines For Life, gives you the flexibility and strength not to be a victim of circumstance.

It helps you respond to life skillfully because you can think more clearly.

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“When you are patient with others, they open up and share their life and stories” says nurse Vanessa Novello from Grimsby.

When you have cultivated patience, others around you feel safe, valued and supported. You can share and enjoy each other’s company without fear of being abused or attacked. This is an essential foundation for happiness.

“If a situation upsets you and you can change it, then do so. If you can’t change it, then stop worrying about it.” advises the Dalai Lama

Lance Logan-Keyes, a support worker with a Toronto native men’s anti-violence program called I Am A Kind Man, says: “I grew up very fear-based. I had to … understand my fear and work with it. So when I help someone with aggressive behaviour, I have to remember to stay at their pace, understanding that it is their story and journey.”

Try this: Is there anyone who really irritates you? Instead of reacting, take five minutes out in a quiet spot and identify exactly what gets on your nerves. Is there a quality in that person that you have a hard time accepting within yourself? When in the past have you felt the same? Can you use this insight to bring more understanding into the situation?

Challenge: We invite you to nominate someone in your daily life who exemplifies and practises patience. See thespec.com for details.

You can order the book, 16 Guidelines for Life, a practical and simple tool for making life better and find courses on these guidelines at The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom.

By Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw 

Patience, the second of the 16 Guidelines For Life, gives you the flexibility and strength not to be a victim of circumstance.

It helps you respond to life skillfully because you can think more clearly.

Watch video segment

“When you are patient with others, they open up and share their life and stories” says nurse Vanessa Novello from Grimsby.

When you have cultivated patience, others around you feel safe, valued and supported. You can share and enjoy each other’s company without fear of being abused or attacked. This is an essential foundation for happiness.

“If a situation upsets you and you can change it, then do so. If you can’t change it, then stop worrying about it.” advises the Dalai Lama

Lance Logan-Keyes, a support worker with a Toronto native men’s anti-violence program called I Am A Kind Man, says: “I grew up very fear-based. I had to … understand my fear and work with it. So when I help someone with aggressive behaviour, I have to remember to stay at their pace, understanding that it is their story and journey.”

Try this: Is there anyone who really irritates you? Instead of reacting, take five minutes out in a quiet spot and identify exactly what gets on your nerves. Is there a quality in that person that you have a hard time accepting within yourself? When in the past have you felt the same? Can you use this insight to bring more understanding into the situation?

Challenge: We invite you to nominate someone in your daily life who exemplifies and practises patience. See thespec.com for details.

You can order the book, 16 Guidelines for Life, a practical and simple tool for making life better and find courses on these guidelines at The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom.

Our minds are powerful. Everything we say and do arises from our thoughts. If you can change your thoughts, you can explore a way of living that is more peaceful.

Contentment is the third of the 16 Guidelines For Life. When we feel no need to reach for something more, it frees us to direct our energy in fresh, flexible and creative ways.
 

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Relentless hoping for more will never bring happiness. Contentment is being at peace with who we are and a quiet, settled feeling within regardless of the situation. Then we have no need to hurt another or to profit at their expense. We are open and aware of the needs and gifts of others.

“There is enough in the world for everyone’s need, but not for everyone’s greed” said the great late Mahatma Gandhi.

Lynn Swadchuck, who retired at 53 to Sharbot Lake, Ont., from a “crazy” job as an art director, says: “Contentment is things being ‘good enough’. Contentment doesn’t mean no pleasure.  It means not getting obsessive about maximizing your pleasure.

“It is knowing how little I can live on by eating more simply and spending less. (It’s) having my coffee at four in the afternoon in the same peaceful spot … When that is a peak in my day, I know I am living a smooth, more contented life.”
Try this: The next time you feel restless and dissatisfied, instead of springing into action, come to a standstill. Resist the impulse to eat, drink, smoke, start a conversation or whatever you usually do. Take a few deep breaths and accept things as they are. Let it remain so for five minutes. Does this alter the choices you make?

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines For Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com.

The fourth of the 16 Guidelines For Life — delight — is like fresh air.

Delight is celebrating when good things happen. It opens our hearts and lifts us up when we notice the positive things around us.

Watch the video segment

When we rejoice for others having wonderful things happen to them — instead of allowing “what about me?” to tighten us up — our friendships become more genuine. And we feel better about ourselves.
“I find delight by taking a minute when I am working to look at the colours around me. Then I notice simple things that brighten my day and wonder why I don’t do this more often,” says Katie Keenleyside of Hamilton.
Hwiemtun, a Coast Salish elder from Vancouver Island, takes urban youth into natural environments: “My greatest fun is seeing the awe in their faces when they experience the few remaining massive old-growth trees and drink directly from streams off the mountains. This is an experience they may never have again in their life.”
“When I am with my friends and family and we are delirious with laughter over the little things in life, I feel connected to that non-judgmental, loving, trusting,  childlike playfulness that bubbles out with laughter,” says Teresa Beckett of Oakville, a laughter yoga teacher.
Try this: When did you last experience a moment of pure and utter delight? Today, allow yourself to take delight in something that happens, fully and without reservations. Finish your day by celebrating moments like this instead of dwelling on problems and difficulties.

To nominate an individual or to make a comment, click the COMMENT link below and follow the steps to post your entry to this blog.

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, former director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines For Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com.

Just as a seed is the cause of a great tree, our actions today create our future. By making our actions positive now, we are creating the cause for a happier future.

The fifth of the 16 Guidelines For Life — kindness — is an exquisite wisdom that knows the appropriate thing to say or do to generate happiness for others.

Watch the video segment

It is all the little things that people take for granted, says Josh Furman of Grimsby: “For example, my grandma is a gentle, kind soul and puts love into simple things in life that some people don’t have time for, like canning, her garden, making tea for us.”

Ashton West of Dundas says, “Doing social work, I have to be really kind with those who have received aggression and fear. I gave a girl a hug and told her she was a beautiful person and shouldn’t be harming herself. That simple act of kindness just tore her up because she had not received any kind of love from anyone for so long.”

Kelsang Tsering, 74, emigrated here from Nepal three years ago. “Being kind to others, having compassion for others is inspired in me by the Dalai Lama, so I try to practise it by being generous. My son is very kind and brought me here. He is helping people to find jobs and gives them direction.”

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel,” writes U.S. poet Maya Angelou.

Try this: Take some extra time today to notice just one person. What are the little things that uplift or irritate them? What can you offer – a coffee, a conversation or just a smile? Respond to them in a way that is easy for them to receive. What difference did it make to your day?

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, former director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines For Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com.

Certain actions bring about a greater sense of well-being, while others just create unhappiness.

Paying attention to this helps us to take responsibility instead of simply blaming the world and feeling out of control.

The seventh of the 16 Guidelines For Life — generosity — offers the subtle pleasure of letting go and is a powerful, fundamental shift from the limited world of “me” and “mine.”

VIDEO: GENEROSITY

Joy comes in the love and kindness of doing something for someone.

It is natural to give to special people in our lives. What about those we don’t know? How far will we go to be generous to the people we don’t like, smiling or giving up a place in a line or parking space?

“You make a living by what you get. You make a life by what you give,” former British prime minister, Winston Churchill once said.

Nancy Bliss, who owns the Just Bliss jewellery kiosk at Burlington Mall, says: “Generosity can be given in many ways. My parents always gave. It wasn’t necessarily money. It was their time and wisdom. Mentors, friends, coaches give support. People appreciate that. and those are the things you remember.

Some people who give a lot of money to others may have another agenda and may expect something in return instead of giving it from the heart. It is the motivation that makes the difference.”

Try this: Could you be giving more to others than you do at the moment? In what area would that be — your time, skills or resources? Are you willing to engage beyond your normal comfort zone? Commit to one thing now.

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, former director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines For Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours,” Monty Python comic Eric Idle once said, highlighting that speech really can hurt.

The eighth of the 16 Guidelines For Life — right speech — takes away fear, brings hope, and makes people laugh and feel closer to one another.

VIDEO: RIGHT SPEECH

“To change my speech, I have to control my thoughts first,” says fundraiser Cristian Cowan, from Brazil.

“Skillfully thinking of the words that match what the person needs to hear, as well as expressing what we need to say in a way that can be heard and felt lovingly is right use of speech,” says Lori Goldblatt of Still Studio in Ancaster.

I used to be called “slave driver.” says New York fashion design manager Angie Prewitt. “Though I was successful, no one liked me.

“I now understand how much suffering my words caused those people that I was so angry at. Now I smile and laugh more and have a positive effect on others. I respect myself now.”

Craig Mackie prototyped a “principles program” at Pine River Institute, a boarding school for teens with addictions in Orangeville.

“When there is the opportunity to share with others truthfully, from your heart, saying what is important to you, it makes it OK for others to do that,” he sayd. “Right speech is when those two things match up. It can be scary, but it can be relieving and empowering.”

Try this: When was the last time that you said something that made you cringe? For the next hour, take care over every word that you say, speaking only words that contribute to the welfare of the person you are talking to. Listen deeply to discover what those words need to be.

To nominate someone in the community who is guided by these guidelines, click on the comment link below.

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines For Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com.

The happiest people we know nurture warm and appreciative relations with the people around them, sincerely wishing for them to be happy.

The ninth of the 16 Guidelines For Life — respect — warms our heart, strengthens our sense of self and lifts our spirits when it is both given and received.

VIDEO: LIVE HAPPY THROUGH RESPECT

Scientist Albert Einstein’s investigation into the nature of the universe convinced him that human beings are interdependent rather than independent. So mutual respect and co-operation are necessary for all of us to thrive. 

“Respect can be neglected in our society, especially with our elders. Taking the time to understand one another’s position in society and looking at one another with loving kindness and compassion can plant the seeds for change,” says former Beamsville resident Carmen Straight.

Fern Gue, 85, of Burlington, has trained child-care workers for 35 years. “My father was my hero because he earned the respect of every life he touched. He lived what he said. That is what children expect from teachers, clergy and others in authority.”

Her husband Frank, 84, is an engineer, educator and policy advisor. “I see myself as a change agent. I can be on very good terms with members of other parties with different views. You can learn from your opponents as you hope they are learning from you.”

Fern laughs, adding: “At City Hall, we hear ‘Here comes Frank again.’ Not necessarily agreeing with him, but they respect him and admire his commitment to causes.”

Try this: Who has been the role model for your life? Which of their strengths do you yearn to have and which do you have in common already? What is your unique way of expressing these strengths? During the next week, notice and celebrate every time you put them to good use, and remember the person who has inspired you.

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, former director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines For Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com.